When my niece learned that I was going to be a stepmom, she was worried I would become...AN EVIL STEPMOTHER! Her concerns were valid. At the time, her only exposure to stepmoms were those of the evil kind; the most famous being Lady Tremaine, Cinderella's step mother. It's not like Hollywood does a remarkable job with the portrayal of step mothers to children. Couple that with the high representation of the "baby mama drama" with her ex and the ex's new partner...the life of a step mom is already set up to look bleak.
But for so many of us, we think it'll be different for us. For some delusional reason, we meet a guy with kids and think "Oh yeah, I'll handle this and become the best stepmom!". There are the lucky individuals that do have a handle on it from the get and go and it's bliss all the way through. But for the majority rest of us, we're hit with a rude awakening that is step motherhood. It is actually common for a stepmom to experience noncombative PTSD from life in her blended family. And I believe it too. Compared to what other women have shared of their experience, my stepmom life is easy. Yet the reality is that I have cried in agony and loneliness too often in my marriage because of my role.
Okay, we're three paragraphs in and it doesn't look encouraging. Let's fix that. The truth is that while the struggles of step motherhood are uniquely intense, it's not impossible for a stepmom to thrive in her role. It's all about changing expectations, letting go of things beyond your control and your responsibility, and taking control of what you can.
CHANGING EXPECTATIONS
See those expectations you have in regards to how you think your husband, his ex and his kids should act; what you think your responsibilities should be; what you think your blended family should look like...THROW IT ALL AWAY. One thing I learned quickly from becoming a stepmom is THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR. Now I'm not saying it's a bad thing to have expectations. You should. But don't hold tight to it. If things are not going as you had hoped, you need to take the opportunity to reconvene with your partner. Share your expectations, your wants and needs. Allow them to share their expectations, wants and needs. Make sure the both of you end up on the same page, which might include compromise. You are a team. You are one body.
LETTING GO OF THINGS BEYOND YOUR CONTROL AND RESPONSIBILITY
There are external factors that really are the bane of a stepmom's existence. The fallout of the relationship between your partner and his ex. The stepchild who has made up their mind that you are the enemy (independently or convinced). The in-laws who are still holding on to your partner's previous relationship. These are things beyond your control. Things that are not your responsibility to fix. The responsibility falls on your partner. Your responsibility is to support him while he fixes the problems that are affecting his relationship with you.
TAKING CONTROL OF WHAT YOU CAN
I refer to this as setting boundaries. A lot of people are afraid of setting boundaries because they're afraid of hurting the feelings of loved ones. There's a way to set boundaries that will lessen the blow to your loved ones, but they're still going to hurt. This is where clear, sincere and respectful communication comes in. Chances are you're also hurting which is why you've decided to lay some boundaries. These boundaries are for the sake of your wellbeing and that of the family. Express this your loved ones. Let them know that your choices are out of love and not to intentionally cause pain. Make sure to validate their emotions and feelings.
These are just a few examples of how you can change the dynamic of your role as stepmother and find peace. Obviously, it's way more complicated that just a few short paragraphs. The point is that it's very possible to get to point of empowerment, peace and satisfaction in your home as a step mother.
And as far as the image of the evil stepmother, you most likely can't get rid of it. You are probably the villain in someone's story...even though you did nothing wrong. The only thing you did was disrupt another person's world. But that is not your burden to bare. You were invited into your partner's world. Anyone else who has problem with that will have to go to therapy and find Jesus. If you're being a good person in your role in your family, then you're a good stepmother. Remember that!
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